I am currently cheating on my girlfriend of 4 years, and to be quite honest I have no intention of stopping. The reason(s) I am cheating are many and varied. I didn’t agree to come on here to be crucified by a bunch of jilted women. If that’s the only thing you can say about me, take it somewhere else as you won’t be telling me anything I haven’t already heard.
It is my intention to explain to you how I have been able to get away with cheating on my girlfriend over the past 6 months. A quasi penance from a mildly guilty conscious, if you will. For the remainder of this article, you will be taken inside my head as I go about my daily routine while trying to cover my tracks so my girlfriend doesn’t find out.
Here is some background information for reference: I am 30 years old and have a college degree. I am currently employed and make decent (not great) money for a guy my age. I live with my 31 year old girlfriend of 4 years. She has her college degree as well and works full time. I have been cheating on her for the past 6 months with a 22 year old girl (Kelly) I work with. At first I was paranoid about getting caught, but as the months flew by it’s gotten so easy that I honestly don’t give it a second thought. Oh, and Kelly has no idea I have a girlfriend.
It’s 9am on Saturday morning as I roll out of bed next to my still sleeping girlfriend. Last night I told her that I was going to go out and watch a movie with my buddies (and they were instructed to cover for me, should she call). In reality I was having sex with Kelly at her apartment. As I am making my way towards the bathroom, I quickly scoop up the shirt/pants/underwear I went out in last night and drop them in the clothes hamper. Have you ladies ever found one of those “static cling” freshener sheets inside your laundry hamper? That’s a great way to automatically get rid of any scents that should not be on your boyfriends clothes. The greatest part is that if you happen to find it, you probably won’t think twice as it kinda sorta makes sense that you found one in your laundry hamper…
I grab a washcloth and bar of soap and immediately wash my hands, neck, face and “below the waist”. That gets rid of any incriminating odors right off the bat. I buy manly smelling bar soap that has a hint of a musky scent to it. It is great for covering up scents that should not be on my body. Any brand will do, but I find the best manly smelling soap comes from the .99 cent store. It is so god-awful smelling that I could get sprayed by a ravenous pack of skunks and still come out smelling like a rose.
I look at myself shirtless and do a quick once-over in front of the mirror to check for any bruises or nail marks that I might have gotten the night before. All good ! I finish up in the bathroom and crawl back into bed ready to sleep in for a few more hours. James Bond is my bitch.
– The Best Defense is a Great Offense.
Like most guys, I watch a lot of football games on t.v. The football teams that win more often than not have a great offense. I try to apply that theory intelligently when it comes time to getting in fights with my girlfriend. During the first 2–3 years of our relationship, my girlfriend repeatedly accused me of cheating on her whenever we got into a fight. The funny thing is that I didn’t start cheating on my girlfriend until 6 months ago. (Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Freud).
Even though I am good at covering my tracks…there are times when I swear she knows I am up to no good. It is around those times that I intentionally pick fights with her and make cheating accusations.
Example: A few months ago I accidentally feel asleep at Kelley’s house on a weeknight. Woke up the next morning to my cell phone ringing at 6am. It was my girlfriend, wondering where in the hell I was and why wasn’t I home getting ready for work. I told her I got too drunk to drive last night while playing pool over at Chris’s house. It got late and I forgot to call her. Told her I was on my way home. After she hung up, she immediately called my friend Chris and asked to speak to me. Chris told her that I had just pulled out of his driveway in a bloody rush to come home. All of my guy friends know what to say and when to say it. It’s part of the “guy code”.
So the next day was Saturday and we were at Target shopping for misc. stuff. She still didn’t quite believe my story and that entire morning I was being given the cold shoulder. So while we were in line waiting to check out in Target, I noticed a good looking teenage kid who was working the cash register. Luckily the line was shorter than the one we were in so I told her to move into that lane. As I was getting my credit card out to pay, the good looking cashier kid started to make small talk with my girlfriend. That’s all the ammo I needed.
On our way back to my car, I purposely accused her of flirting with the good looking kid and we fought for a good portion of the morning. Needless to say, the heat was off. Phew.
– Bro’s Before Hoes.
Speaking of friends….you can forget about asking your boyfriends guy friends if he is cheating on you. That’s like walking up to a parrot and asking it to recite the Gettysburg Address. It can’t be done. My guy friends have a prepared script of answers and know how to stick to it. Best of all, if you do start questioning your boyfriends friends about him cheating on you….how soon do you want to bet it will be before they run and tell him?
– American Beauty.
When I first met my girlfriend, I had the body of any given average guy out there. Not too fat, not too skinny. So did my girlfriend. When I met Kelly (5’8 blonde/blue 36C, perfectly flat stomach) it was lust at first sight. Kelly only seemed to date guys that were big, buff and had arms like cannons. Lucky for me she thought I had a great personality and was “really cute”. After the first night I saw her naked, I realized I had better hit up the gym and hit it up fast. I started working out 3–4 times a week hoping to get my 6pac and chest and arms buffed out before the end of summer. My girlfriend was all for it and even suggested which protein supplements I should take. Win-win situation !
– Secret Agent Man
Text messages, emails and cell phones can leave a very incriminating trail. So what’s a cheating boyfriend to do? Cover Your Ass. Since I work with Kelly, it doesn’t make any sense to text message/email or call her on the phone. I simply come into work and occasionally bump into her in the hallway or break room. Our coworkers have no idea as we treat each other like anyone else in the office. Whenever it comes time for a booty call later that night, she simply walks over to my desk and places a unopened soda can on top of my inbox and vice versa. If for whatever reason said booty call cannot take place, the soda is simply returned to her desk.
What about the weekends/holidays/random horny times when you aren’t at work ?
For the past 6 months I have been getting phone calls from a collection agency looking for a dude by the name of “Bob”. My name is Matt !! Sometimes my girlfriend picks up my cell phone when it is ringing from a blocked number. The professionally sounding girl on the other end of the line identifies herself as “Shaniqua, from XYZ collection agency” and goes on a little spiel about how “not paying your bills can adversely affect your credit“. Sometimes, I call that number back and tell them to “take me off your calling list or I will report you to the FTC”. Those are the times when I don’t go to Kelly’s house for sex. Read in between the lines if that doesn’t make sense.
I’m going to give you ladies a free tip. I cover my ass pretty good, but I’m sure there are guys out there who don’t. Perform a Google search on your boyfriends email address, chat screen names and any identifiable piece of information about him you can think of. Chances are if he went online to the car forums that he belongs to and posted a topic about how “I’m so over my current relationship” and asked for advice…..Google will have caught it in all its glory for you to read in the search results. Google is very powerful and you should learn how to perform advanced searches. You would be surprised what you can find with a little due diligence. If you are certain that he is cheating on you via his home computer, perform a search engine query for the term “keylogger”. When the FBI kicks down your front door, you didn’t get the idea from me.
Cell phone/Credit card bills (in print and online): All of my passwords on my computer are changed once a month. My emails/etc are locked down tighter than Fort Knox. Cell phone bills? I checked the “do not receive paper bills” for my AT&T wireless bill. My iPhone has a “lock” feature to it where a 4 digit passcode must be entered prior to unlocking the phone. Again, all ways of covering my tracks.
– The-Low-Ride-er-is-a-Little-Higher…
Sometimes Kelly and I go out together on the town. Yes it is very risky, but hell…when the words “I can has cheezburgerz?” come out my mouth at 2am on a Friday night, I’m having myself a cheezburger. Kelly is 5’8 tall and weighs about 110 pounds. My girflriend is 5’2 tall and weigh a little more. So every time Kelly gets into my passenger seat, she has to move the seat back a bit and adjust the headrest etc. I drive a 8 year old Audi and it has programmable seats so all I need to do is just push a little button and the seat goes back to the normal position.
I also ask my girlfriend to help me keep my car clean. That means she cannot leave her shit in my backseat, including but not limited to: Hairbrushes, purses, chick cd’s, anything that would give any indication that another female had been in my car. I swear, most women have never heard the phrase: A man’s car is his castle.
– Sign Sign Everywhere a Sign…
Women are adept at picking up “signs”. Any slight deviation from the norm and their little ears perk up like cute little bunny rabbits, sharp forked tounges ready at the draw to nag us men to insanity. With that being said, I keep my routines/schedules/etc to-a-“T”. I make sure to let her know exactly when I’m going out, who I’m going out with and how long I will be gone for. This takes all of the guesswork out of it for her. Think back to when a certain dimwit was in office…whenever public opinion about him went down, the “terror alert” mysteriously went up. Same goes for me. Whenever I feel that my girlfriend might suspect something, I force-feed her pre-packaged information to let her know that I’m being the best possible boyfriend that I can be. Halo over my head ! (pitchfork behind my back).
That’s pretty much about it. The point I’m trying to make here is that if your boyfriend is determined enough, he will get away with whatever he wants. If you suspect your boyfriend of cheating, it can be very hard if not impossible to prove such things. You ladies cheat just as much as us guys do….and I’m sure more than a few of you get away with it right under your boyfriends nose.
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